Monthly Coffee Date: October 2021
dear all,
it’s been a while. a long, long while. i’m glad to meet you back here for a few moments. thank you for being here with me.
how are you? how are the soft spots under your eyes? how is the tension in your wrists? what is in your to-do stack that you’re truly looking forward to getting back to? what soothing song or thrilling game awaits you once you take a breath and move on from whatever it is you’re doing? what pieces of your heart are scattered elsewhere right now, by your own choice or by the ways of the world?
this month’s picture is from a corner in my home office. i hang art from my friends as creative inspiration. i’ve framed one of my proudest achievements for my self-inspiration. this stack of books will be the primary resources for some of the papers i’ll write for school this semester. this note from china is my morning mantra. the ‘thank you’ art was given to me by a patient’s child. this mug from nsrh is part of my intentional rededication to my work with that organization. and that’s the national parks pass i had with me on my post-divorce walkabout that reminds me of the leaps i took to get where i am right now.
i keep this picture of my dad and i framed on my desk for a million reasons, one of which is because this trip was a significant time point in both of our lives. for me, this moment stands out because this is when i came out to him as queer. i was thirty years old. and not far from it is a picture of Lindsay and I from our wedding. if i spin that pen holder, the other pictures are of a friend and i finishing a half marathon, one of our nephews, and my cat kipling looking regal. the two other pictures are of the pieces of my heart, in the form of dear friends, scattered elsewhere in the world right now. i miss my friends. so, so much. what i wouldn’t give to hug and share in laughter and hot tubs and the outdoors and food with them.
this corner is to the right of where i sit at my computer, and it’s often where i rest my eyes when listening to class, or thinking through something. to the left is a window that shares a lot of afternoon sun with me. there’s a chair below that window where i often read, scroll on tiktok, and sometimes play video games.
mary oliver’s poem ‘the messenger’ is in my office because it is my religion. or at least, it expresses much of what i’d try to express when describing my atheism but can’t ever quite express perfectly. i keep going back to this poem this semester. i’ve just started my health care ethics phd at a jesuit university, and i’ve never been so confused or frustrated about religion in my entire life. the majority of my classmates are of a traditional faith system, and so it seems share a language and an understanding that i bumble around in. and i often, usually, enjoy that bumble. i adore discussing religion and belief and sharing in questions about what all this is and what it all might mean. i texted two close classmates this morning to express this feeling of being disoriented. i’m only just learning that academic religion and theology aren’t necessarily those conversations, or maybe i just don’t know how to have those conversations at “this level” yet. i’m feeling pretty lost, but i’m also figuring it out. a dear friend shared this ricky gervais interview last night when i was chatting with him about feeling lost, and it helped.
school is moving fast. faster than i thought it would. there’s so much to learn and even in this first semester out of three-ish years of classes it already feels like there won’t be enough time to write everything i want to write or learn everything i want to learn. i’m keeping a journal of the new things i learn that will forever change my feminist, midwifery, and activist work. i’ll have to experiment with the best ways to share those concepts through this platform, because as someone whose undergrad and grad educations were paid in student loans (that i’ll be paying off for forever) who now finds myself unexpectedly fully-funded, i believe education should be hella free. maybe i’ll do an ‘anatomy of’ each semester and list off the cool stuff? with some links to definitions / theories / writers? now accepting all ideas for how to share some key ideas about ethics for those interested.
one of the unforeseen things i’ve been learning this semester is lesbian history. most of my feminism is self-taught and self-guided in work toward being intersectional, so somehow i missed a fairly large memo about how much feminism is interested (obsessed, really) in lesbianism, much to the exclusion of all other queers, fairly consistently, which will always be weird and unnecessary and often violent. along the way of learning more about feminism / lesbianism’s venn diagrams, a lot of history i didn’t know is surfacing. most recently i’ve learned about the daughters of bilitis, the ladder publication, quatrefoil and hale aikane. so much still to learn.
since you’re on the blog reading this now, maybe you noticed my new professional photos?!? they’re so fun. and i’m so glad to have an update, since my last official pictures were from 2018. y’all, 2018 was a freaking lifetime ago. peruse the rest of this new website, and tell me what you think? what’s missing? what should i switch up? and make sure to send me a message if you want to work together or book me to speak or work with your group! many thanks to Makina of flora and fauna reproductive wellness for the design, logo, and tech support!
other than school, and learning, and settling into a life not based on constant adrenaline (which i wrote about in last week’s newsletter), i’ve been struggling with involuntary memories. memories of my brother and his death. memories of friends come and gone. memories of past love and pain. memories of places and times. i did not know the term ‘involuntary memory’ before, so i’m still settling into it. i was talking with lindsay about some intrusive thoughts, and telling her about how much my memory feels intricately, intimately tied to things like clothing or mugs or jewelry, and she mentioned proust’s writing on this topic, which quickly became a rabbit hole i didn’t know i needed to go down but i’m there. will i ever finish writing this book about intimacy? yes and yes. will it ravage me? yes. will it be therapeutic for me and others? yes and i can truly only hope so. today is my book writing day, and i’m going to start with finally drafting an essay about places i’ve lived - planning to submit it to roxane gay’s ‘audacity,’ so keep an eye out there. (btw a dear friend gifted me a subscription to that newsletter, and i gotta say it’s been a lovely gift and did i ever mention that you could gift my newsletter to someone?! feel free to.)
random wrap-up thoughts: i’ve been having worsening cold flashes with my period (i’m sitting here now and it’s 80f in chicago and i have a space heater on my feet), this is my favorite dinner to make right now with super affordable trader joe’s items, just finished reading audre lorde’s zami for the first time and WHOA it’s amazing, i’m taking a break from having alcohol in my house because i’m having issues with moderation, i’m trying to learn zotero, pretty sure i’ve decided that when i blow out a candle it gives me a headache, i’m going to start turning off my phone when i’m in my office to help with focus, and next week i’m getting tested for ADD. would love to hear from y’all in the comments or over email, either to what i’ve written here or your own random thoughts!
well, here we are. how are you feeling? i’m exhausted but also exhilirated. so grateful to be writing freely in this space.
by way of a little levity, here’s a favorite tiktok that i send to some beloveds a few times a month. much love to y’all.
stephanie
