Why I’m out as queer

Stephanie and Lindsay. June 2017.  Dear all:Happy pride! Happy pride to all of you lesbians (L), gays (G), bisexual (B), transgender and gender non-conforming folks (T), queers (Q), intersex (I), asexual (A), pansexuals (P), and straight allies. Happy pride to all the letters. Happy pride to everyone who has their own identity that doesn't fit into one of the lettered boxes. Happy pride to cis queer folks in seemingly straight relationships who feel unseen or are invalidated. Happy pride to all people who can't be out because of personal safety. Happy pride to everyone exploring, experimenting, figuring it out on their own. Happy pride to everyone whose marriages were true in your hearts but not in the law for ages, and this month we will celebrate three years of the right to be recognized. Happy pride to all of us in this current climate of fear of being out, fear for our rights being taken away, and fear to exist as whole and true to ourselves.I realized I was queer my senior year of high school, though looking back could have easily identified it earlier had I known more. I fell hard for a friend. She was in college and had been surrounded by a gay community, and knew more about herself than I knew about myself, or that I knew about how to love her. I didn't know the definition of what I was feeling or wanted. Years of trying to figure it all out were wrapped up in a lot of confusion and missteps and lost words and heartache and then years of being quieted about it. She wasn't even the first person I came out to: I came out to my boyfriend at the time, who was supportive initially and then told me my queerness was something private. I was then in a very public relationship with him for more than a decade, with many in the midwife community assuming my identity as straight. When we divorced and I started being more public about my queerness, dating people across the gender spectrum, many in my life were confused. Had I just come out? (no, but yes in some ways.) Did he and I split because I realized something new about myself? (no, not at all.) Am I experiencing a midlife crisis as I realize who I am? (no, and yes, because we all continue to realize who we are and become more fully who we are every day.) Because assumptions about who I am, with whom I partner, with whom I ally and represent, are constantly incorrect. Because if I can stand up for myself I can, in some way, stand up for others who don't have this platform and huge support network.Why be out, and be out in such a public way? Because so many queer folks have incredibly sad stories about how they came to be whole and authentic. Because people are still closeted, for all kinds of reasons. Because L and I still have to consider where it's safe to go on vacation and be openly together. Because the word "queer" is still in a state of reclamation after its historical use as a slur. Because in the same breath people congratulate me for my upcoming wedding, they ask whether it's legal. Because people still say "I don't care what you do behind closed doors," and "I love you regardless of who you love," rather than fully loving and acknowledging. Because Janelle Monae coming out as pansexual is still a big deal. Because trans folks cannot use the bathroom safely. Because visibility in this cultural climate is more important than ever. Because I am planning a wedding during a time when I wonder if the right to marry the one I love will be taken away, or our marriage at some point questioned legally. Because I exist as wholly human alongside everyone else.Why be out in the midwifery community? Because providers make assumptions about the people we take care of: namely, assuming that everyone is cis-gender and straight, and we are wrong about it all the time, which makes clients feel we are not safe spaces or that we do not see them. When colleagues can be out with each other and provide reference points to gayness and queerness, then we increase opportunities for awareness and empathy for the patients of our colleagues. Because the more people who are out, the more people will feel comfortable coming out, and the more midwives visually represent the people we take care of, the more we are seen as a welcoming community to all interested in becoming midwives or interested in becoming our clientele. Because being femme and out breaks assumptions about queerness, gayness, and the aesthetic range associated with identity. As someone comfortable with myself and my identity, I am also comfortable talking about it, and hope to be a safe space for people to ask questions and not be judged. Because then the community of queer and trans folks knows that when I speak or exist in a space of power or leadership, that I do so vocally as myself and my allyship to my community.Because being out during PRIDE month also allows us to talk about how pride started as a protest by Marsha P. Johnson, a black trans woman, and others, as a revolution. PRIDE started as people's hearts and lives being broken wide open in the hopes of visibility and representation and safety. And now PRIDE is largely a celebration, and how lucky are we to celebrate, thanks to the work and lives and heartbreak and passion and outness of so many.Because being out as an ally to others in my community is a key part of my being out. If you are straight and an ally, out yourself this month and speak about why and how and to whom you're an ally. Hold up the loves in your life who may be out or may want to be.Because being out and honest and authentic makes me feel whole. Because my being whole is important.All of this is to say, happy pride, y'all.Stephaniepronouns: she/hersgender identity: cissexual identity: queerSuggested 101 resource: ACNM's Issue Brief "Use of Culturally Appropriate Terminology for Gender Diverse Populations"