Monthly Chai Date

It’s been over a year since I’ve written here. A year of figuring out what this blog space means to me, how it started, where it could go, how I want to engage in it for myself and for others. Why do I continue to use a handle that created a space where I could truly be myself, because in my personal life I couldn't be, when now I live fully embody who I am and what I believe? Do I want to continue to be the sole writer and curator of the writing and thoughts? Should I be focusing my energies elsewhere to have a bigger impact? I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I’m getting there. Thanks to those who have followed on the various social media accounts for my political posts and rants, and for learning more about me from the personal posts and images I’ve shared to stay in touch in my own way.This year I’ve been focused on building a strong personal foundation centered in love and beauty. I fell, and continue to fall, deeply and wholly and unabashedly in love; poured myself into holistic and heart-filling family relationships and friendships; engaged intentionally in writing and politics and action, and celebrated personal and professional wins. In some ways, this has been empowering and expansive: I love and am loved, I’m getting married in three months surrounded by true family and friends, my writing is read and shared and engages people with each other and with me, and I feel like there are lot of opportunities for what could be next. In other ways, it has been distracting: just when I feel like I can catch up there’s another “ask” or distraction, many days I’ve worked twelve hours and then had three conference calls late into the night, my sleep has suffered terribly in both fewer hours and in anxiety about sleeping rather than working, friends gently point out it’s been too long since we’ve seen each other or talked, and I always feel like I need to apologize for being late or behind or completely forgetting something important. I have been operating at an incredibly diminished capacity, with no ability to truly focus on the most important things to me and those I love, and I am coming to terms with how unhealthy that has been. My future wife has gently, lovingly, and finally started pointing out that I need someone to walk beside me and help me say “no” sometimes. The truth is that I need to learn to be that person for myself.In the midst of it all, of course, there are so many things that bring me joy. My fiancée and our dog Rita and cat Kipling. The celebrations we have planned leading up to our wedding, the wedding itself, and the week off afterward. Thinking about all of the life adventures ahead of us, together and with those we love. Vacations we have planned this summer, and the honeymoon we will start planning later this year. Getting back into running and lifting and feeling physically strong. New music like H.E.R. and Sampha and Alice Merton and Donald Glover, and a new Dave Matthews Band album. Thoughtful social media accounts like @MoiraDonegan and @DawnLaguens and @SenKamalaHarris and @RheaButcher and @Emma4Change and @SarahSpain and @JoyAnnReid and @HariKondabolu and @thevaginachronicles and @ptsfeminist. Incredible books like Carmen Maria Machado’s “Her Body and Other Parties” and Suzanne Scanlon's “Her 37th Year” and Rupi Kaur’s “The Sun and Her Flowers.”On a similar thought process of things that bring me joy, this week is the Annual Meeting of the American College of Nurse Midwives. A celebration of midwifery and our community. A time of critical thinking and questioning each other. I am always emotional at this meeting, thinking about my personal history in midwifery, how many midwives came before and how new midwives are creating new history. How some of the people I met at this meeting years ago have become true friends and professional soul mates. How midwifery students, with bravery and passion and love, stand at the microphone and speak truth and seek engagement from long-standing midwives. How new midwives, raw and exhausted in the first years of practice, realizing how much needs to change, seeking answers and for what our midwifery future looks like. How midwives who were original members of this organization challenge each other and are challenged by the new midwives in the field. It’s a beautiful week of midwifing each other.I am finishing my three-year term as Secretary on the Board of ACNM. I set out to serve midwifery with an overarching goal, and have been reflecting on the degree to which I’ve accomplished that plan. I sought, and now three years later continue to seek, to engage midwives in open dialogue and thoughtful reflection about full scope midwifery as I define it: to include sexuality, gender and orientation; abortion care and provision; reproductive justice and direct challenges to racism; trauma-informed and individualized care; and the role of new midwives in the leadership of this profession. I want to lead by example of what a full scope midwife in practice and in activism could embody, and to make way for others more radical or more reserved to feel like there are ways to do so. Confidently and with tears in my eyes, I can say that I at completed at least some of that work, on the shoulders of others before me, with so many beside me, and with incredible people coming up to keep things going.So, as of today, here’s a part of my midwifery story. I am in my sixth year of practice, a week behind in charts, have ten draft blog posts that I feel heart palpitations thinking about, the #NoGagRule OpEd I and others are working on is still being figured out, I’m onboarding a new Executive Director to Nurses for Sexual and Reproductive Health (NSRH), I’m struggling with writing and reading about sexual assault in healthcare, I get harassed by anti-abortion and misogynistic people online regularly,Here’s the better part of the story. A sense of calm came over me yesterday morning. L and I woke up and didn’t feel rushed. We watched the royal wedding and talked about our own. I packed everything I wanted and didn’t stress about not having enough. I realized a three-year scope of work is wrapping up and thought about it, rather than letting it rush by. I prepared thank you notes to the Board and other leadership as I say goodbye to this role. I snuggled the dog and the cat and spent time watching them play. I had plenty of time to leave L love notes for the week. I texted my best friend, also a midwife, about our time together this week, and ground coffee to pack so we can have relaxed mornings together. I stood on the moving walkway instead of walking busily past the music and rainbow lights at O’Hare. I listened to music, read the news, and got to the gate rested and ready for a week of midwife friends and conversations.I sat down, drank my chai, actually tasted it for the first time in a long time, and felt ready to write again.Here’s to everything that comes next.In solidarity,Stephanie