Monthly chai date

I'm not quite sure where to begin anymore, these days. I'm tired and feeling low, these days. I'm struggling with too much clinical work and too little balance, these days. I'm feeling disconnected from myself and my personal needs and life goals, these days. I'm feeling disconnected from midwifery and my #midwifelife, these days. And I'm hoping that those sort of "these days" are wrapping up with the close of 2018. Perhaps that's a strange way to start off my first post in a while, but it's the struggle I've had and what has kept me from writing. I've had more starts than finishes, more ideas than completed projects, and more uncertainty and questioning than daring and adventure. And I'm not quite sure why that's been, why it's persisted, or how to turn it around. I remember feeling confident and powerful and strong, and for whatever reason, there have been more than a few months of self-consciousness, doubt, anxiety, imposter syndrome, and uncertainty.  But I know 2019 comes with optimism and excitement for what's next.I put in three hard, passionate, and public years of work at ACNM as Board Secretary and Chair of the Gender Equity Task Force. And months after I stepped away, Board members made accusations against my character and my integrity, and offended friends and queer family despite my, and others, explicit recommendations and available support. Given what this Feminist Midwife platform has become over the past six years, I felt that had to take a big step in order to stand in solidarity with my community and to stand up for myself. I worked with an incredible group of folks to write a public letter detailing our stance and calling for public sign-on. I am still angry and still hurt. There are midwife mentors who reached out in support and others who stayed silent. Some midwives who have been regular voices against the type of intersectional midwifery I represent also stood against this letter, stating that I was turning on my own, by speaking "against" ACNM. I feel that I am standing with my own and standing for what is right. And, ultimately, I feel that this will lead to a better and stronger ACNM. I am stepping down from the Gender Equity Task Force so that two awesome midwives, whose clinical practice and academic work wholly embrace all genders, can step forward. I have not yet renewed my ACNM membership because I want to see how the Board will respond to our public letter. I am putting my money, my platform, and my involvement on the line: ACNM must do better. Midwives, and our patients, depend on it.2018 had a lot of great things. Like lecturing on trauma-informed pelvic care. Like Chika (and more Chika). Like writing about protecting patients from sexual assault. Like Carmen Maria Machado's "Her Body and Other Parties." Like Jonathan Van Ness' ice skating skills. Like Roxane Gay's "Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture." Like ACNM's Position Statement on Midwives as Abortion Providers. Like Rachel Cargle and Layla F. Saad's academic and determined challenges to white women. This composition of "My Day Will Come" by James Francies. Like Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. Like the NASEM report declaring abortion as safe healthcare. Like lecturing on sex positivity. Like a super successful Nurses for Sexual and Reproductive Health 2018 Activist Conference. Like the podcasts "Sleep With Me," Rewire's "Boom! Lawyered," NPR's "Believed," Sarah Kendzior's "Gaslit Nation," and Esther Perel's "Where Should We Begin." Kamala Harris and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Pramila Jayapal. My wife and I celebrating our marriage and our surrounding family and friends. I've had good Chicago food, great date nights and vacations with my love, solid hugs and conversations with my inner circle, more sleep, more relaxation, and more personal time spent not feeling rushed or over-committed.2018 brought a lot of introspection and building my life: personalizing my home, connecting with my in-laws, getting married, adopting a new dog, coming off of the ACNM Board of Directors, onboarding a new Executive Director to NSRH, representing midwifery and NSRH at the two big abortion conferences, planning abstracts and papers for 2019 work, and spending lots of time with friends going through hard health issues. I am thankful and grateful for all of that. I am, at the same time, grieving that the year didn't accomplish a lot of what I wanted it to, that my writing took a serious back seat, that my reading was minimal, that my journaling was non-existent, that sometimes my Board work could've been a whole lot better, and some friendships suffered because my focus was elsewhere. I've been struggling with anxiety that I've never had before, that initially was only at nighttime and has been creeping into the daytime. I've had paroxysmal reactions to the first two nighttime meds and every homeopathic and herbal option, and am currently battling the mental health system of getting a psychiatrist to respond to my phone calls for an appointment. I've had multiple students in a row who've struggled and pushed against my midwife theories, and that has challenged my own enjoyment of my work and my approach/es to precepting. Demands on productivity with patient scheduling leaves little flexibility for creativity in developing rapport with patients, leaves little time for taking needed breaks throughout the working hours, and little opportunity for recharging to be able to come back again and again, every fifteen minutes, or every day. I am completely buried in email, I accidentally read-and-not-respond to text messages and forget to respond for days, let my voicemail fill up to avoid needing to answer calls. I've sent up new boundaries with my time and stuck with them, and that includes being more intentional about my availability to others.At a recent therapy session, my provider mentioned the word "forgiveness." My heart and my thoughts stopped the moment she said it, and it was like it was the first time I had heard the word. And it was like it was the first time I had actually understood the concept. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm still absorbing it, turning it over and over (and over and over) carefully, and applying it generously to every moment since. And how freeing it has been. And how beautifully it has turned out. And how comfortable to rediscover a word that feels so much like "me."I'm coming at 2019 with a lot. With plans for this space, looking at PhD programs, being an intentionally loving and caring wife and friend and family member, and trying to put some grace and forgiveness into myself. Would love to hear about how your 2018 wrapped, and what you're bringing into 2019, including if any moment or word or knowledge hit you like the exact ton of bricks you needed at the exact time you needed. And I welcome sharing in forgiveness.In solidarity,Stephanie